Fickle

I'm someone who has grown accustomed to change.  I don't necessarily like it much, but I'd say I'm a pretty adaptable individual.  My upbringing and curious nature are to blame to credit for this characteristic of mine.

My parents are divorced.  Oh, no, this is no woe-is-me-because-I-am-a-child-from-a-broken-home post.  Firstly, broken is the last word I'd use to describe my family.  I'd say it's more of a mosaic.  Secondly, no "woes," please.  As crazy as you may call me, I think I'm lucky to have the family situation that I do.  In fact, one of my favorite songs to sing in the car as a youngster went, "I have a mommy.  I have a daddy.  I have a step-mom and step-dad.  I am so lucky--I have 4 parents!  I'm a lucky, lucky girl."  The verses went on to include my step-brothers and half-sister.  I could sing it now and include my adopted siblings and former-step-relatives, but I presume that's more of a, "Hey, let's go get coffee and I'll explain to you my wacky family tree" kind of story.

I'm getting off-track here.  I mentioned the family because I grew up living in 3 different houses.  Not because we moved--I mean 3 houses at the same time.  I'd spend a few days at Mom's house, Dad's house and Patti's house each week, having toothbrushes at each house and usually a fraction of my wardrobe in each closet.  (You can imagine how thrilled I was once I got my driver's license.  Forgot my favorite pair of Converse at Dad's?  No longer a meltdown.)

I was never in one spot for too long.  By the time I got sick of the view out my bedroom window at Mom's, it was already my day to be picked up by Dad for a few days.  It definitely wasn't boring, I can tell you that.

Then I graduated high school.  Even so, I haven't lived in one place for longer than 8 1/2 months since then.  Even during my exchange in Hungary I lived with 3 families for 3-4 months each.  Then my years in college and my study abroad in South Africa.  Here I am in Austria--funny to think that I'll break my record with only one year here.

So you see?  I haven't really had to commit to anything for too long...ever.  And I think that's why I'm feeling so fickle these days.

At one moment, I'll be thinking, "Yeah, grad school for sure next year.  Better get on asking for those letters of recommendation."  Then thinking, "No, finish paying for undergrad first.  Wouldn't it be nice to have a job and live somewhere for more than a year?"  And then I'll see a new program and get excited about working with college students all over again.

My latest teaser is Oregon State.  First of all, Oregon--hello, beautiful!  Corvallis isn't too terribly far from my loved ones in Eureka.  It's not a horribly long plane ride from friends in the Bay and LA.  It satisfies my tree/mountain/river requirement.  And with a graduate assistantship, there's a fantastic little thing called a tuition waiver.  Who doesn't like the sound of that?

Aaaah, there are so many options!  One of my LEAST favorite assignments from any professor in college or any teacher in high school was this:  Write me a [insert number] page paper on the topic of your choice.  How the heck do you choose?  Give me something to narrow it down, won't you?  Well, now here's that dumb assignment popping back up again, but this time it's not for a class.  It's for life.

So...here is what's on my radar for next year:

Option A:  Move to a new city, pray that I find a job
Option B:  Apply and hope to get accepted to a Higher Education grad program with a decent tuition reduction (or waiver) for a grad assistantship
Option C:  Move home to work for a few months (typed with gritted teeth) before finding a job elsewhere to save some money because it is not a sign of weakness, rather  a sign of the times--after all, 85% of my fellow 2011 graduates said they were planning on it.

Thoughts?  Advice?  Funny joke just to lighten things up?

Grace and peace,
Hilary

Wills and Won'ts

As my Facebook newsfeed is bombarded with status updates about being back at APU, Cougar football games, the renovations of the Caf and Cougar walk, pictures in 7 Palms, by the UP pool, at the trolley stops, I can't seem to drown out that tiny voice saying, "Man, I wish I were there, too."

But (I keep reminding myself), with another year at APU comes a list of things that are not my favorite.  So here are some things I won't be doing this year:

-Tediously searching library databases to comb through 20+ page research articles
-Writing the dreaded Senior Seminar Thesis Paper
-Slaving over PowerPoint preparing for speeches and presentations
-Mediating residents' roommate conflicts
-Eating mass produced Caf food
-Battling a few thousand other students for the best classes at registration time
-Stumbling up the awkward West Campus steps when late for class

and on an optimistic note, here are some things I will be doing this year:

-Constantly improving my German
-Frequently visiting my old host families and friends in Hungary
-Living in Europe(!!)
-Doing crafts, singing songs, playing dress-up (and getting PAID to do it!)
-Country-hopping with one of my best friends
-Eating fresh bread whenever I want it
-Exploring Vienna every weekend
-Always trying my best to focus on the good things in life

Grace and peace,
Hilary

Déjà vu

Oh, hey September.  Where did you come from??

I left home over 2 1/2 months ago.  I have been in Hollabrunn for exactly 2 months from yesterday.  What?  A sixth of my time here has already slipped through my fingers?  Some days seem to drag at a snail's pace. But in general, they kind of melt together so that before I know it, it's the weekend and I have another week under my belt.

Alright, friends, here comes some honesty:  I'm a bit homesick.  This whole week I've been in a little bit of a slump.  It might be the 2 month marker.  It could be that the wedding of 2 very dear friends is tomorrow, and so many people I love are together right now without me.  It could be that my siblings have started new school years and my baby sisters are now big, bad 2nd graders.  I think all of these are contributing factors.

But there's one more:  I'm feeling pressure.

Where:

P=Please let me figure this out because I am

F=Far too overwhelmed at

A=All the options thrown at me

The worst part is that it's pressure from myself.  Nobody is pushing me to feel this way.  It's all me.  You see, last year at this time, I was beginning my senior year of college.  I had fantastic friends, a good GPA, interesting classes, a university I loved, I was a freshman RA.  It was all going for me, but there was pressure.  Sure, this year would be fine and dandy, but I had my life* to figure out.  What happened after May 7th?  Grad school?  New job in a new city?  My parents' basement**?

Then I figured it out.  I like traveling.  I like languages.  I like kids.  Being an au pair for the year was the perfect fit.  I was good to go.

But now I find myself back in that very same place.  I've got the "for now" part under control.  But what about next July?  Can I financially swing grad school?  Or will I be able to find a suitable job in a city calling my name?  Do I have to lay low in Eureka for a few months upon my return to see what opportunities are lurking around the corner?

So.  If you are a person who prays, I'm humbly asking for your help.  Not necessarily that everything comes into a neat and orderly line for me to see.  More so for my heart to pay less attention to my brain.  That I'll stop stressing myself out about it.  That I'll remember that I haven't been led astray thus far, and that I'll trust that something will come together.  That I would let my faith be bigger than my fear.  I'd appreciate that a lot.

That's life for me right now.  And I really do promise, I'll give you some snippets of Germany soon.

Grace and peace,
Hilary


*Yes.  I knew I didn't have to figure out my entire life at that point, nor would it have been possible.  I am quite aware of the twists and turns from our chosen and assumed paths.  I recognize that God's sense of humor often causes us to trailblaze.

**My parents don't have a basement.  I'm from Earthquake Country, not Tornado Land.  But you get the idea.